emancipate

currently very motivated to finish HCG. i’m in a boring state of mind (packing for new apt, laundry from two weeks on the road, press clippings piling up in my office) so this is perfect. i never really got in killer shape after i stopped playing ball so now > never. plus, a quick trip to barneys (and visit to jayne’s blog) was all it took for me to realize how many amazing pieces are just out there waiting to consume my wallet… if only i was born a skinny, gorgeous korean badass who skateboards, designs dope shit and has killer style regardless of what i threw on! blame it on the volleyball calves. and rocket scientist family genetics. SO. the mission is to drop quite a few pounds (hopefully i don’t die in the process) and somewhat completely revamp my closet. this will also help with bikini shopping for cabo; picking a date with photoshopped-esque abs was probably a bad idea. hashtag: first world problems. um… this is my first, and likely only, attempt at writing something daily/personal in this tumblr. this shit is way more conducive for teenage love rants, ‘inspirational’ quotes from the Dalai Lama and pictures. who actually reads these days anyway? and what does it say about the world when a picture filtering app is purchased for a billion dollars? our generation is taking the future in a very… visual direction. scary, but not so bad for visual, ADD learners like myself. 16 days left on HCG. Tootles!

he makes me feel a way no one else ever has. three years and change later, nothing’s changed. it is the same comfortable, casual, understanding yet electric and exciting connection we’ve always had. it’s always been him, maybe it always will be. maybe i’m going to end up moving back to los angeles after all…

when i lived in los angeles, sanity came in the form of cruising up the PCH with my sunroof open and old school hip hop on blast. when midterms, bicoastal life, and ‘overachieving asian’ syndrome became too much bare, i’d escape to the chill of the pacific ocean and the sound of waves crashing against rocks 30 feet below. i’d pull over amidst a patch of straight asphalt and turn the engine off, bothered by nothing more than a mellow playlist and my own thoughts. it’d be so easy to lose myself while glancing at the shimmering field above me… my mind would wander, the music would fade and i’d doze off easily. carelessly. peacefully. there were also the moments when i would inhale the fresh saltiness of the sea and wonder what it’d be like to walk forth and never come back. but as the cold sand crept between my toes, my senses would be shocked back to reality. i’d always think of my parents and their sacrifices for my sister and i. their hard work, their dedication, their support, their love. their devastation at knowing how easily i gave up on it all. i never enjoyed the tear-fogged drives back to reality, but i understood their necessity and appreciated their reminder of mortality.

A short list of resolutions for 2012:
1. Be healthier (lose weight, cook paleo, do more yoga)
2. Donate time, money, energy to those less fortunate
3. Buy less; save more
4. Change that which doesn’t make me happy or fulfilled
5. Move back to LA
6. Visit home more often
7. Collect new stamps (London, Egypt, South America, China)
8. Reunite with old friends
9. Play basketball
10. Live life. Laugh often. Love whole-heartedly.

this feeling reminds me of those sleepless nights driving through los scandalous. windows down, sunroof open. thoughts of humanity, mortality and love quickly pacing in my mind, one chasing the other. the same NAS album on repeat, the occasional skip from a pothole on wilshire. driving past LACMA, lights illuminating my path brighter than my (future) path. if only life could be so easily illuminated. fucked up. drugged up. crept up. slept up. burnt up. turned down. no matter my aimless meandering, i always aimed for hollywood and vine; our rendez-vous location that had you paying for my cab fare and me sobbing in your arms about a stolen wallet or forgotten friendship. fuck. why does it always come back to this? a sleepless night, fogged by bottles of champagne and freshly squeezed orange juice? a distant memory, immortalized by the feelings that lay nestled in our hearts forever? with the bottles of veuve come the memories of a not so distant past. with the accomplishments come the humbling reminders of who we once were. we were so close to perfection, you and i…

whatever inclination made me think it was a good idea to buy an entire bottle of veuve and attempt to ‘study’ italian/ gmat math was seriously on crazy pills. what??! i dont even drink these days! fuck. this is the shit i do when neil leaves and i have the convenience of my credit card, a liquor store downstairs and freshly squeeze orange juice. i think im on my 6th mimosa. christ. havent even opened my GMAT book; no, im too busy catching up on stupid words with friends games. did you know ‘cunt’ isn’t an acceptable word? im starting a ‘WTSBAIWWF’ tumblr. aka: “words that should be acceptable in words with friends” tumblr. haha. the title is a work in progress. so is my life. time to sign off before my rants get too (em)o. no accomplishments to drink to… 7th mimosa, here i come!

The problem with being blessed from an early age is not fully understanding just how damn good life is. Between the most supportive parents an Asian daughter could could ask for, to a slightly-stressful-and-underpaid-but-tremendously-fulfilling-and-relatively-successful career, to the world’s most incredible significant other… there are only the gaps of silence and obscurity that haunt her. The would’ves of a past flame. The could’ves of a past degree. The should’ves of a position unfulfilled. These lead to moments of unhappiness, prolonged until success rears its shining head from the blinding dominance of material wealth and she’s enamored once more. Enamored by the life she’s worked, and fought so hard to achieve. But even amidst the first-class bicoastal trips and luxurious 27th floor (almost) penthouse, she can’t help but recall what joy and happiness there was in simplicity…

She laughed and told him as she told everyone: It’s a lonely road to the top. He mutely responded: It’s even lonelier when you’re there.

The problem with being blessed from an early age is not fully understanding just how damn good life is. Sometimes, you have to lose it all to realize what you once had.