emancipate

What once was, may always be.

People who feel entitled, in any way shape or form. Work for what you have. And realize, even after all your labors, that you don’t deserve anything. This applies not only to work, but all aspects of life.

It’s officially officially: I’ve moved to New York. The concrete jungle. Big apple. City that never sleeps. The unmistakable sinking feeling of real life versus dreams is crashing down and settling deep in the pit of my stomach like an forgettable kiss. It’s one thing to talk about moving cross-country for love, life & the betterment of self; it’s another to actually do it. While the notion has entertained my lips for months, hell, years on end, and been the topic of countless catch ups with friends, or small talk with strangers, it is no longer entertaining. It has happened.

Sure, I’m headed back in a few days to revisit our Angeleno counterparts and see one of my oldest friends off to med school but I can’t call the City of Angels home any longer. Like a relationship, the faster ties are cut, the lesser it’ll hurt. At least, that’s what they tell you right? But remnants of my past linger - shoes left to be shipped, dry cleaning left to be picked up… a dinner date forever rainchecked. I departed too quickly for any tears or a formal goodbye, but in the solace of a humid subway station awaiting the train ride home, my heart has finally caught up to me.

It’s been less than two weeks (I’ve spent “vacations” longer than that here), and already doubts have implanted themselves in the crevices of my determination. Hidden behind the mask of a bright smile and excited gushing, these doubts remind me that this city will never be what I need it to be. So… how long? How long before I’m chewed up and spit out? How long before I don’t feel like a failure or quitter and consider myself “made”? How long before the misery of perpetual heat and stench of rotting garbage and fear of subway rats finally breaks me down? How long before I say goodbye and we part our ways?

My heart aches for the sound of crashing waves; for the feeling of freedom while cruising up the PCH with all windows down and Nas on blast; for the sense of sanity that accompanies solitude. It aches for all things familiar, and for a feeling of belonging. Most of all, my heart aches for the what ifs that remain unfulfilled, and tie me back to the city I’ll forever call home.

‘Honesty is a double edged sword.’ My body shakes, not from the chill of the rainy day aftermath, but from the thoughts of what could have, would have and should have been. Finally, after two and a half years, the truth slowly seeps between the lines of the most honest conversation we’ve had yet. Your thoughts. Mine. Mirrored, like our lives in airports and out of suitcases. Conversations exchanged between packing for there, and a quick touchdown here. We’ve come full circle from those eventful nights in Hollyweird; from silence and forced distance to an intimate friendship and back. I never understood why you let me go, but I do now.

You’re ingrained in my memory as the epitome of perfection. While it will always be easier to see the flawless characteristics in someone other than yourself, know that this is true. Neither of us believe in ‘leagues,’ but this doesn’t change the notion (and my firm stance) that you are light-years out of mine. We will look back and laugh, as we always have, but the underlying truth is that we perceived the other to better than what we deserved. Perhaps not for forever, just for now.

And for now, we’ve both let go. The tickling edges of this unsheathed sword remind us that it will never be ‘all in the past,’ but we must keep on keeping moving on.

Best part of working in New York? No matter how late I got up, how many wrap-up reports I need to prep before the day’s end, or how stressed work has made me… I still have three hours on my west coast counterparts. When I start my day in NY (5AM), my friends are just getting home from the club in LA. And by the time I’d usually be hitting the gym in LA (6AM), I’ve already knocked out half my to do list in NY.

Worst part of working in New York? 15-18hr days. 12 if I’m super duper lucky :/ Not sure if it’s just that my workload has quadrupled in the last two weeks and now I’m in a timezone where I “have” to work 15hrs (5AM or 6AM est - 7PM pst) or if I’m just really bad at prioritizing because I’m ahead of the curve. Either way, my body craves the gym, my mind is utterly exhausted and I can’t wait for the weekend. *cue Rebecca Black - Friday.

(via world-shaker)

the last few days, weeks, months have been in silence. silence only interrupted in brief spurts by the whir of airplane noise; white noise we’ve each individually grown so accustomed to that it has become a nightly routine. not “ocean waves” or “tropical rainforest”. no, just white noise. a fan. sportscenter turned so low that highlights are inaudible. the sound of breathing through wireless ports. white noise that has permeated every aspect of our lives, so much now that it’s just there. effortless, the way we’ve always been…

tbc.

a ridiculously long phone call later, we’re back together. will it ever be what it once was? will i be able to let you hold me when i get off the plane? will the cuts and bruises heal before new ones are formed? love is as fleeting as the mid-winter sunshine. there at half past four, and gone by the time the clock strikes five. it is learned and yet, it is a part of our nature. do not be malicious to those you love. do not take the very mistakes they’ll regret for a lifetime and punish them with it. do not mistake your wrong-doing with the perspective that the world is against you. we both have a lot of self-growth and discovery ahead of us. this takes patience, and kindness, and communication. we may never see eye to eye, but however high or low we must stoop to get closer to one another, we must try. we are not perfect by any means. but we are a team. i can only hope that you see the cracks in our armor as clearly as i do. love alone cannot mend them, for love is fleeting. we must build on the foundation of respect and trust. without these elements, we are as lost as i was when you first found me. i too, have my reservations and my insecurities, but i will set them aside for the sake of what could be.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.