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emancipate

Ask me anything   1 : to free from restraint, control, or the power of another; especially to free from bondage
2 : to release from paternal care and responsibility
3 : to free from any controlling influence

TBD: goodbye

i think i’ve finally found the one to take my mind off him.

— 16 hours ago with 2 notes
#rh  #writing  #rants  #random  #me  #boys  #whatever 
PAST THOUGHTS


Editor’s
My note: I wrote this about 6 or 8 months ago amidst an unfulfilling, chaotic, physical relationship that only pointed at a ‘dead end’ sign, but I was too infatuated with the guy to acknowledge it. As I reread this tonight, I only had one tiny revision to make before it was fully applicable to someone else. Five years deep & we’re still at this weird crossroad. Haha. Maybe it’ll always be about him. To be continued…

 

considering the impact writing had on my life through high school and college, it’s a wonder i don’t write more and or express myself more through the written word. i suppose that’s the fallout of 50-page research papers and late night blogging – you no longer care to do one of the few things you used to find solace in. but at the same time, there is something so particular about writing your thoughts down. tweeting them. emailing them. journaling them. they are ever more concrete; ever easier to analyze; ever harder to escape. the realities come crashing down for as we materialize our thoughts, reread our paragraphs, critique our own perspectives. it’s really the fear of complete comprehension that holds me back. i am truly my own worst enemy.

and even now, while i want to understand my own confusions, my hesitations, my insecurities, i’m afraid. i’m afraid of what i’ll actually see - my words mirroring back the person i never wanted to become…

ahh… but where to start? i’ve discovered that i am deeply rooted in my relationships with people. they justify me and make me feel whole. they validate my existence for i am someone who needs to be needed. the shoulder to cry on, the girl who dds all her guy friends home, the girlfriend who one day becomes wifey. i have an innate (or perhaps spurred by my demanding Asian parents) desire to be everything to everyone. to seemingly have it all - a career, a family, a social life, a relatively competent intelligence. this need has impacted my romantic life tremendously. i give 110% and commit whole-heartedly needing the validation from my significant other. the mutual commitment. the knowledge that someone, somewhere chooses me over any other girl because i am far superior. at the same time, i’ve found myself drawn to the men who help make make me feel whole because i’m unable to do that on my own. my insecurities, albeit better hidden than anything else in my life, consume me. i am not sure about my career; my family; my social life; my intelligence. the men i’ve been with have (in a fucked up and dysfunctional and probably unhealthy way) helped validate me. they are the ones who could be with any girl, but chose me. 

as i realize this more and more about myself, i question my position and the position of relationships in my life. should i be in one? who am i really and what can i offer someone? what is love and what does it mean to love someone unconditionally? if i saw a shrink, would my shrink tell me that i have ‘daddy issues’ because my father was an absent figure in my life? is that where all this stems from??

i wonder if i am finally at a period in my life where i need to take a step back and reevaluate myself. steer clear of men/relationships and figure myself out for once. it couldn’t hurt. at the same time, i enjoy sharing my life with someone. physically. mentally. emotionally. it’s been a long time (if ever) since all three were interconnected and interwoven and i had the best of three worlds, but maybe this is it. someone who satisfies me physically while challenging me mentally and supporting me emotionally. and as with anything that seems too good to be true, it has its own difficulties/ complications: distance. money. age. aspects that may be overcome? probably. aspects that may be overcome in the near future? possibly not. and i don’t know if i am patient enough to wait for the final outcome… this is not a 2hr weird indie film to wait through and forget if it ends up being terrible. this is complete and utter commitment that may result in anger, resentment and be more draining than just ‘a waste of time.’ 

there were so many moments when i wanted to say ‘i love you’ … to share the devotion and dedication i’m willing to bring to us. to acknowledge the sadness i feel when we’re about to hang up for the night and i don’t have someone to wrap my arms around and fall asleep with. to verbally share my feelings and the butterflies that arise whenever i see your name appear on my caller ID. but i always hesitate. wondering if it’s too soon. if it’s all for nought. if it’s plausible that my impatience will once again sabotage me and ruin the potential of something great. us riding out the tough times together will make the smooth patches seem immeasurably more incredible, but i don’t know that there will be smooth patches. and i’m not one to do well with uncertainties. regardless of how absurd or unlikely, i want to know that there is more. that there is something to work towards, and that we have a plan. i want to know that this time, this energy, this money, this dedication is not squandered.

i suppose this is the downside of having been blessed with much at a young age. it’s easy to forget the process and time that go into a little thing called “LIFE.” i’ve always been one to want answers and want them now, to hell with the rest of the world. an old friend said that my impatience would be my undoing and he’s probably right.

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#writing  #rh  #CG3  #CGIII  #love  #random  #rants  #me  #personal  #very very old post  #publishing now  #thoughts of the past 
yup. us. forever. it’ll always be about him.

yup. us. forever. it’ll always be about him.

(Source: dolus, via friskykittty)

— 2 years ago with 3764 notes
#rh  #love 
the one

he makes me feel a way no one else ever has. three years and change later, nothing’s changed. it is the same comfortable, casual, understanding yet electric and exciting connection we’ve always had. it’s always been him, maybe it always will be. maybe i’m going to end up moving back to los angeles after all…

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#rh  #love  #writing  #random 

this feeling reminds me of those sleepless nights driving through los scandalous. windows down, sunroof open. thoughts of humanity, mortality and love quickly pacing in my mind, one chasing the other. the same NAS album on repeat, the occasional skip from a pothole on wilshire. driving past LACMA, lights illuminating my path brighter than my (future) path. if only life could be so easily illuminated. fucked up. drugged up. crept up. slept up. burnt up. turned down. no matter my aimless meandering, i always aimed for hollywood and vine; our rendez-vous location that had you paying for my cab fare and me sobbing in your arms about a stolen wallet or forgotten friendship. fuck. why does it always come back to this? a sleepless night, fogged by bottles of champagne and freshly squeezed orange juice? a distant memory, immortalized by the feelings that lay nestled in our hearts forever? with the bottles of veuve come the memories of a not so distant past. with the accomplishments come the humbling reminders of who we once were. we were so close to perfection, you and i…

— 2 years ago with 11 notes
#rh  #love  #los angeles  #Memories  #rant  #random  #me  #writing 

not sure why, but this song takes me back to the city of angels every time i hear it. my final weeks at ‘home’, unaware that i’d actually be leaving for good. the last drives down PCH with my sunroof open and Miguel’s cd on blast… singing on the top of my lungs to every track. the 10k runs down the strand through santa monica, venice and towards marina del “ray”. it reminds me of all the friends who became family, shopping sprees, rooftop brunches, bus rides, bottle service nights, road trips, photoshoots, movie premieres, art shows, bbqs, casa torena… the memories that shaped me over the last 4 years.
fuck. i rarely admit it but i miss los angeles like a mother fucker. every day i force myself to keep fighting & create a life for myself in new york. if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere… right?

— 2 years ago with 2 notes
#i miss los angeles  #fuck  #sad  #random  #me  #rh 

LA Light from Colin Rich on Vimeo.

watching this video gave me the chills. despite only have been in los angeles for four years, nearly every major building was recognizable. every skyscraper in the sad, downtown skyline; every traffic congested highway; every shot from the looming Hollywood hills. los angeles was where i first tasted independence & never looked back. so many wonderful memories are imbedded in every nook and cranny of this city… every damn day my heart aches to go home. to revisit the familiarities i grew accustomed to and the friends who became family, but alas, that is the complacency i sought so desperately to escape. one day, just not now.

— 3 years ago with 6 notes
#los angeles  #video  #Memories  #rh  #missing LA 
"Let’s jump on a call about the meeting we had about the meeting about the call about the meeting about the other meeting."

"Let’s jump on a call about the meeting we had about the meeting about the call about the meeting about the other meeting."

(via boyaboutown-deactivated20120203)

— 3 years ago with 44 notes
#rh